Whatever Happened To Kids TV?

I found myself at the mercy of a five year old and a remote control the other day. Kids TV! Eeek. Now, I'm not aversed to kids TV, far from it... I'll watch Art Attack with the best of them, but what the hell has happened to the rest of it? I mean, cartoons have become so edited and quickfire - there's a thing called Planet Sketch - jesus christ! - and the voices are screechy and irritating... how I long for the dulset tones of Mel Blanc! Or the calming narration of Derek Griffiths! Even the playful vocals of Brian Cant! But now its all MTV and ratatattat! It flashes in front of your eyes like a strobe like - thank god I'm not an epileptic! And it's loud! So, so loud... What's happened to the glorious meanderings of Bagpuss, or even the frantic adventures of Dangermouse or, imagine it, Batfink!

And don't get me started on Grange Hill... actually, too late. OK, I'm of the generation that absolutely associated with Tucker Jenkins. I was Tucker! And I'd race home to catch his escapades at that famous school. Mrs McClusky, Mr Bronson, all those guys. I always though Fay was hot, but then when I got older, I knew it was Tricia... and since I was the same age, it isn't being a paedo! The thing about though, is that it was real. It was condensed, of course, but the people were real enough to care about. Firm but fair headmistress, evil Maths teacher, tough PE teacher... we had those guys at school. Everyone knew a Tucker or an Alan or a Benny. Now though? It's like Grange Hill putting on a stage play of Grange Hill. Drama school children shouting their lines and standing like Bonnie Langford. It suffers from - gasp - Time and the Rani Syndrome!

Phil Redmond was known for taking the bizarre and making it normal - Brookside, take a bow - but when the bizarre remains bizarre, children won't watch it, cos they look at the people in it and go "Wanker.". After Tucker came Zammo and Rolaaaaaand and all those guys, and that made sense.. they were "the year below me", but they were still real kids. Now though, it's too shiny, and too staged, and has lost its way. The thing is, with a contemporary of it, The Sarah Jane Adventures, we know what we're getting, we know it's going to be fantastical, so we accept it, with Grange Hill, the kids have just come home from school and they go, "What? Where's that? Where're the single mums and the hoodies and the alcoholic teachers?" and then they go "Wankers." and switch over to Deal or No Deal. Or go online. Or go out and drink cider and a Bacardi Breezer whilst crafting a fly snout.

What Grange Hill needs is a dose of realism, not more fantasy. It needs not to talk down to children, but treat them like adults. But not treat them like adults treating children like adults, cos that comes across as partronising. What they need to do is to make Eastenders, in a school, and call it Grange Hill. Of course you cut back on some of the more unsavoury aspects, but not them all. You go, pardon the phrase, old school. The acting and production may be better, but in real life people don't act, and there's no production, and kids know this. They don't know how they know, but they do.

So goodbye, Grange Hill. I enjoyed my time in your classes better than my own. And my class mates of Tucker, Alan, Benny, Tricia and the gang, great time. Mind old Ronson? What a laugh!

Maybe, in 16 years, RTD could bring it back. You never know.

This Bloody McGann Thing

So, it seems that the great bastion of integrity known as The Sun has run an article about Paul McGann returning as the Doctor in the Specials coming up next year. Ok, I thought, let's see where this came from, because, to be frank, if it was true, I would have been told. Turns out it came from OG, or TDWF or whatever it's called this week. I love it there, I really do, it's - usually - full of intelligent, well adjusted, and verbose people talking a lot of sense about the series we all love. So we found out where this story originated. Here! Turns out theres a Spoiler King called The Doctors Trainers - nice guy, hardly ever wrong, apparently, and this is why he has a massive following of guys and gals who hang on his every word. Fair enough, I thought, I'll investigate. So what do I do... well... I know Upperboat - we KNOW I know Upperboat, I'll ask there. I'm told, nope bollocks. That's usually good enough for me, but, well, this is a huge story, I mean the Paul McGann returning, to the fold... blow all the he's not canon and the Doctor's not half human guys out the water!... so I contact the press guys, again, I'm told nope, not true... then the publicists, my pal there, she says, nope, and here's a statement... fair enough I thought, but, as a belt and braces kind of guy, I thought, I know, if you wana know the time, ask a Time Lord... so I contact Paul's agent, they say "it's not true, but since it's you, it's ok to give Paul a buzz and ask..." so I text him. He calls back. Amiable, funny, sarcastic, a perfect gent. "Yeah, I heard that," he says, then goes on to deny it. Not that he wouldn't, just that he isn't. We talk about other things, football mainly, then we say out goodbyes.

Now, that's enough surely? What else could I ask? Where else could I go? I know! The Doctor, the actual Doctor! Davvvviiiiid? "When? Where? Next year? Have they changed it? I didn't know that... they haven't? Oh.... I like Paul too, that'd've been fun..."

No one knew, not a soul... not the leading man, the man in question, the writers, the publicists, no one. Then Neill Gorton comes out and mentions it too. A little ironic quip about him being the only person in Upperboat who doesn't know. You and me both Neill. So it's pretty cut and dried, you'd think, eh? The Cult of the Trainer has been given the bum steer of Harriet Jones in a Dalek Supreme proportion... so surely when I post all this, it will slowly go away?

You'd think, eh?

What happened amazed me... properly amazed me.

What actually happened was The Cult of Trainer turned into the Lalala Our Fingers Are In Our Ears And We Can't Hear You brigade. Incredible.

These are the guys who reinterprate actual facts to fit their own continuity. Well, they argue, just cos they say it isn't, doesn't mean it won't... just cos it's not happening in the specials, doesn't mean it can't.. everyone's a liar, everyone's in a huge big conspiracy - including me, Sheringham, Lee... all the guys who know what's actually happening... lalala.. we're not listening... even the voice of two Doctors' (three actually, I discussed it with Sylvester, a friend of Paul's), isn't enough for the conspiracy people. And all because RTD lied about the Master...

Now, onto a topic of a related nature. Our sad little friend Angry Who Fan - the man so fierce he moderates his comments page - decided to have a rant about the discussion on OG, calling it "tired" and describing me as, what was it... oh that's right, a "cunt" and then suggestion I was an Upperboat Stooge and the Cigarette Smoking Man. Now, considering he stole the initial X File analogy from me, it seems a bit rich. Particularly from a man who's only real contact with Upperboat is spelling it incorrectly in a sad little blog. As for my sex life, which was alluded to as well, I have to inform him, if he's interested that sex happens between two people, not one hand in front of a PC. Even with real life naked women. Imagine that.