Tennant To Leave: Three To Screentest As Auntie Beeb Says "No"

Bugger.

Well, as you all know David has announced he is to leave Doctor Who at the end of the last Special next year. I have to tell you, faithful reader, that whatever I have read regarding that, didn't include a regeneration. I spoke to David at the weekend, and he was still then saying he wanted to stay. It was, it appeared, up to the BBC. Negotiations had been ongoing for a while, and the "final offer" had been put on the table. Although amiable, both parties were quite a distance apart. David, I believe, wanted another "hiatus" after series 5 and a promise of a film to be pursued. The BBC were not happy to go along with that. Neither, incidentally, was The Moff. So it looks like things have reached a dead end. The Upperboat guys are now a bit in shock, as they fully expected David to be returning. However, the chance is now on for a new Doctor, and tonight I have learned that three known actors are to screentest for the part before Christmas. Who thoughs guys are at the moment, I don't know, but as soon as it is safe to do so, I'll let you know.

David, you're a friend and an incredible actor, an amazing Doctor. For a lot of children you are their Doctor. You wanted to do the part justice, my friend, in reality, you did more than that, you made it soar. You will be missed.

In other news, both Omega's Biscuit and I are amazingly pleased by the response of the newly launched Outpost Skaro - the darkside of fandom. We, just today, reached 1000 posts. Yay us. Remember if you haven't already joined, please do so. Speaking of forums, my ban on DWF has been lifted. Steve, Arisia and Arnold seem to spend just as much time in Skaro as they do in their own forum these days, and, after some questioning, Steve said that if anyone banned contacted him, there was a fair chance they would be reinstated. So I did, and apologised for the double profile. And, to his word, he reinstated me. Yay. However, I have to say, I was kinda enjoying my lurker status, and may just continue to do that... I'm enjoying posting more in Skaro, if I'm honest. Perhaps the whole DWF thing has tainted my view of it. Nevertheless, I certainly will join any debate about Doctor Who if it piques my interest enough - or if it's started by a git. :p Having said that, thanks to Steve for his genuine responses on Skaro and Arisia for her enthusiasm. And erotica. Oh my. And to answer the comment on the previous post about why I would want to be there if its all just a tv show, well, because I should be there, because its important that, if you are talked about, or have interests discussed, it's only fair that there is a right to reply. Whether that reply is public or private, it's important to be able to have it. It never ceases to amaze me though why strangers think they have the right to demand justification from what others do. Pomposity and arrogance and perhaps a boring life, I'd imagine.

So a busy old day fandom wise. Phew.

Outpost Skaro: The Darkside of Fandom

Now, check this out, faithful reader. I've only gone and made myself a forum, that's all. I don't think it will be particularly busy, and no doubt some people will say "Ha! There's Eddie in a forum on his own talking to himself!" (To be fair, I quite like the sound of that!) But if you drop by here and want a look, please go and see. Incidentally, it will be very lightly moddied, so even if you want to start a thread that goes "Eddie Is A Fucking Tit!" it will stay, and people can comment on it. Although, to be fair, if it is the ONLY one, I may set fire to myself.

Anyway, it's a forum for you guys, not for me... please go over, play with it, post threads, comments, fight like cat and dog... have fun.

Outpost Skaro


Happy Times and Places

Eddie

The Moffman Prophecies: Or How To Catch A Thief

If there is one thing that Steven Moffat - new supremo of Doctor Who - hates, it's spoilers. I mean, it's a bit obvious isn't it? Did we see Silence in the Library? As two regimes battle for supremacy in the Upper Boat castle, two disparate but parallel views have come together - get rid of the spoilers.
The way it's considered there is that spoilerites are as good as thieves - idea thieves, plagiarists, parasites. They gain notoriety from revealing other peoples hard work. They're the guys who walk out of the cinema and say to the next queue waiting to see The Sixth Sense "Willis is a ghost", just cos they can. As a writer I'm in two minds about spoilers. I think TEASERS are a good idea... little titbits that make viewers go "ooooo" or make casual passer by's goe "I'll watch that", but to be given the full plot of things months before broadcast can't be good for people's enjoyment of the thing. As for the guys who give the spoilers out... well, I mean, why? Is it an altruistic, giving ans sharing attitude for the greater good? Or is it a "I know better than you, nya-nya" ego trip? Well, I know spoilerites, and I'm pretty sure that some of them are not on ego trips. In my own foray into the world of Spoilers, I have to say I met four types of people. First, the spoilers, these came in two versions. The guys who were geniune, honest, and went "wow, I didn't know that, do you think...? What about this...? Have you heard...?" and conversations start. Great people. Then there were the other ones. The "he just stepped on our toes" guys. The "if I don't know it he's a plant/liar/fantasist" guys. That's a shame, people who thought like that, because, to be honest, I never wanted to do that.

On leaving Upper Boat I was approached and asked if I wanted to release some "official" spoilers - titbits of info on the workings of the creative process that would give fans a good insight into the working of how an adventure evolves, how guest stars are approached, how themes are developed. I was delighted to do this. The spoilers I was getting would never be got by the regular guys because, frankly, they had no where near the access I had. I mean they could SAY they did, but, on the whole, the didn't. No where near. But that shouldn't have mattered. It was all genuine, interesting, juicey stuff.

Then there are the recipricators, the spoiler readers. These come in two types too. There are the normal, great guys - read my comments! Interested, polite, intelligent guys and gals who say "well, it might or might not be true, but it's definitely interesting, and it's started a conversation and raised my excitement level..." and then got on with it. Then there were the trolls. The cynics. The guys who if they didn't believe it it had to be false. Ergo, I was a liar. But I've said enough about those type of guys, and they did my job for me. Thanks to them.

The thing is, due to the increase in spoilers and the treatment of certain forum members, the spoiler givers, spoilerites, and sanctioners of spoilers are now being targetted. The leaks at Upperboat are being plugged with P45's. The Spoilerites are being discredited with ridiculous "exclusives" that will turn out to be balls - Coughpaulmcganncoughsevendoctorscough - and a few more. There is a wonderful one going around right now that is in itself so distasteful it's not funny. About the next actor to play the Doctor - I'm not getting involved, but let's just say that the Moff and the BBC are not so naive, insensitive, narrowminded or bigotted to stunt cast an actor because of his colour and the actors in question are far too intelligent to be duped. This is not the 80s! The next Doctor might be Jimmy Mistri, Adrian Lester, Sean Pertwee or even Jackie Chan, as I said to a friend today, but he will not be chosen because he is Asian, Black, White or Chinese. He'll be chosen because he is the best man for the job. A moments thought would tell people that.

The McGanngate thing was the first of the stingers to come from Upperboat. There are LOTS coming, big ones, crackers. I emplore any spoilerites, if they have an an ounce of respect for their dawgs, and I know most do, to back off, not ask, stop posting. People will lose their jobs. Careers will be scuppered. We may even need new Cybermen and Daleks! Guys and gals, it's just not worth it. Cos, believe me, although 99% of the guys receiving the spoilers are good and kind and honest people, there are those out there who are not. And it only takes one or two.

The new regime doesn't just want to block spoilers, it wants to stop the ability to post them. It's looking at confidentiality and plagiarism laws, it's looking at disinformation and smokescreens. It's looking at discrediting established posters and sacking moles. The sources will dry up, and if something gets out, then it gets out because it's been allowed to. Either it's been sanctioned like mine - which, although taken in good faith could be as much bollocks as anything else - or it's a stinger, or a spoiler with a tracking device on it! The internet isn't a Romulan Cloaking Device I'm afraid. They will be caught.

The programme works best when no one knows what's happening - the majority of the country didn't know that David's regeneration in Stolen Earth was a false one - and the spoiler wasted it for those online who didn't want to know the outcome. Steven Moffat was very clear in his message to spoilerites in Forest of the Dead (a name with so many analogies! Surely people got that!!?) - desist. Stop. Nothing good can come of it. The chase is better than the finding out.

I agree.

Happy Times and Places

Eddie

Sean Pertwee Interview

He started off by apologising for the timing of the call. We had meant to chat yesterday, but things had held Sean up. I have to say, I was secretly pleased, as a bug had me in my bed all day. Giant it was, sat on top of me. :)

I asked him about the bet he had put on a while ago.

"That's grown legs, hasn't it?" he said. "I did it for a laugh, but I should have known that no one forgets in this industry. Beer plus bets equal years of rumours." So there was nothing in it? "Well, at the time, I would have loved to do it... I'd heard my name in rumours and thought it would be a laugh. Next thing I know I'm the next Doctor Who." Then he corrected himself. "The next Doctor... that's it, yeah?" We drift for a while discussing Doctor Who and his dad's involvement in the show. I had known his dad quite well in the final couple of years of his life, and we chatted about that for a while. Now, back to business. The eleventh Doctor?
"I would jump at the chance, I'd love to. My son is very proud of his grandfather in the role, and I would never live it down if I had a chance to play the part and didn't. It's the part, though, isn't it?" He paused. "Although can I just say that I am not at present signed to be anyone? The way I hear it David Tennant is hanging around for another year or two, but I thought I'd get my towel on that sun lounger before anyone else did. I made enquiries, made sure I wasn't stepping on anyones toes..." So you approached the PtB? "Not in so many words, no. That's not how it works. Not to my knowledge anyway. I know Eccleston did that though, didn't he? Maybe I should. I've let it be known, I've spoken to, em, people. The fact is that I would love to play the eleventh Doctor, or the twelfth, or the thirteenth, fourteenth. Although I'll probably be too old then. It's a young man's part now. I doubt even if my dad would have been cast in today's climate. Or Baker." Again the convo drifted a little to other things - things, has Holmes was fond of saying (that's Sherlock, not Robert) best left for another time - until we got back to the heart of the matter... "Would you play the eleventh Doctor? If asked...?" He laughed. "They'd better ask me," he said, "I still have the velvet jacket somewhere..."

That's a shorter version of the actual thing, which I may try and sell somewhere, if I'm honest.

Thanks Sean!

Happy Times and Places

Eddie

Exclusive Sean Pertwee News

I'm rubbish at headlines, eh?

So this is what's happened... It seems that Sean is head and shoulders above everyone else for the position of the Doctor. The reason being is that, not only do the PtB want him to take the role, but Sean himself is actually pursuing it. He's instructed his agents to approach the BBC, contacted RTD and the Moff directly, and, perhaps noticeably, got the OK from David to do so. David, it seems, has given him his blessing... but not just yet.

In other news, I have to inform you, faithful reader, that it looks like the Neil Gaiman/Ice Warrior thing is not going to happen. I posted this on OG earlier, but it seems no one is interested in people who are entirely honest, similar to the slight retraction about Paul, no one commented... mention an old monster appearing though, and the place goes thermo nuclear. Pfft. Ah well. Change, my dear, and it seems not a moment too soon, perhaps... sorry, I'm thinking out loud. Thank Christ I don't do these drunk. Usually. Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yes, Ice Warriors. It seems The Faces In the Dust is not "a go". Pity that, I might write it myself. That's not to say Neil Gaiman isn't going to be involved, just not in an Ice Warrior story. Shame, that had great potential. Personally.

Another thing is that it looks like the Moff is winning his battle - quite rightly - to not use the Daleks in the series opener. I'm in two minds about this. I know what is coming, and wow, typical, genius Steven, but, hey, we love the Daleks. Unless it's the usually Steptoes moaning over their fingerless gloves... "'arold, its them bloody darleks again, can't we give 'em a rest?" Jeesh... it's THE DALEKS! Have a solero and shut the fuck up. (CR Peter Kay)

I'm also having a bit of an issue with pedantry. I mean, there are some things that are prerequisite to commenting about something else - knowledge being the main one, I mean, like I said, I hate those fuds who start things with "I've never seen the original series but..." or the newbies who insist on called the latest series NuWho. Like that, one word. Like BudLite. THERE IS NO SUCH THING! If we were to call Doctor Who "new" every time it changed it'd be nu-nunu-nu-nununu-nu-nunu-nunununu-nu-nuWho. That's clearly bollocks. It's Doctor Who. Full stop. End of. It's the Davies/Collinson era, even the Tennant one. That's all. Anyway, pendants. Drive me crazy. It's not the guys who say "oh, you didn't know... here.." and tell us stuff... good guys, nice guys, clever guys... it's the guys that go (Pushing glasses up their nose and flattening the brylcreem) "I think you'll find that in the episode entitled "Doctor Who" aka "The TV Movie" aka "The Enemy Within" the Doctor said the planet would be "PULLED" inside out, not "TURNED"." And? Sorry, I was too busy having a life. Or the guys who seem to have an encyclopeidic knowledge of every post ever posted on every thread on every forum... then go and find it... guys who say "that's not right, and to prove it..." and go and lay every DWM out over their bed til they find the offending article and then quote it... my God, is it important? Really? That much? Try wiki. As my old nemesis MLock once said, "sorry, I'm busy getting on with my life" and he's quite right too. Wives and boyfriends and children and family and work and nights out and feeling the wind on your face, are far more important than flicking through DWM for two hours just to prove someone you'll never meet and who doesn't care wrong in front of a lot of other people you'll never meet but who mostly think that makes you a cock. Best just to go "is it? oh... anyway, as I was saying..." No one likes a smart arse. Says the smart arse! :)

Happy times and places

Eddoe

PS I think you'll find that's spelt "Eddie"
Really, em, fuck off. :p

It's A Shame

This could be a bit of a ramble, faithful reader, so bare with me. Or is it "bear"? I can never remember...

I had a rant a week or so ago about a couple of gobshites on OG. Now, I have to qualify that. OG is a wonderful forum. It is full of intelligent, friendly, clever and funny people with a love for the television programme we all adore. We don't always agree - how boring would that be - but we discuss it, anally, with each other in, mostly, a reasonable, adult, amiable manner. Mostly.

Now, let me explain. I worked for the Beeb in a freelance capacity for years. I know the series intimately. I know the production, the cast, the writers, mostly, and I know how it works. I don't work there any more. The reasons are long and varied, but suffice to say I don't. I was asked though, discreetly, to keep an eye on the spoiler zones, and see what was happening. I was also told that certain things could be "leaked" to pique the interest of the average fanboy and was sanctioned to post these, with a little discreet editing. And that's what I did. Now, I thought I would get "wow, those are great" or "i hope this happens" etc... and, on the whole, I did. Nice guys and gals at OG, proper people. Then, boom. I couldn't believe it. Two posters in particular - not just two, but usually - began a tirade. I mean viscious. I was a liar, a conman, a piss taker. I was undermining the very fabric of reality. I interfered with vulnerable groups. They demanded to know my date of birth and national insurance number, my mothers maiden name and, more importantly, my sources! How dare I post a juicy piece of gossip on a fan forum about a television programme without being credit checked, located on a register and shot. I have to say it surprised, shocked and offended me. Occasionally I fought back. Now, this just made it worse. I should have realised. I was feeding the trolls. I mean, sad little individuals who live in their mum's spare room and hide behind an internet connection they probably don't even pay for, an, occasionally go "muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum! I'll be down presently MOTHER, I am at this juncure fighting off the Moldorn with my virtual magic bean bag, I shall have my hoops in due course!" don't need much encouragement to be centre of attention, because, if i dig out my first degree, I'm sure psychologists would say that a naughty boy will be naughty for attention, whether that attention is good or bad. I mean, I can't believe someone would be so worthy as to make themselves so unpopular with absolutely everyone just to stand up on the moral high ground they pile for themselves for the very people who are going "you know what? can you shut the fuck up? no one is listening...". Or, for that matter, care. It's a fucking television programme! Best one in the world, of course, to us, but Jesus Christ (non blasmphemous comment, being wiccan!), it's not like I worried a sheep or scared a child! I said "Patrick Stewart Might Be The Meddling Monk". Jeesh, shoot me now, I'm such a bad man! However, for guys who would embalm their own mother then dress like her after she dies, maybe that is the height of drama in their little lives. Making themselves unpopular with people they will never meet. A look at their profiles tells you that, no friends, no details, just blank. Like the look in their eyes whilst doing the one handed typing to YouPorn or wondering what a grown woman looks like naked in real life. Terrible, little men. As I've said before - to a little anger it has to be said - I'm a man, a guy, a lad. I drink bud and I go to the football. I have a girlfriend. Sometimes, I even have sex. With her. And I go "ref, you're having a fucking laugh mate!". Not at the same time, of course. No referees in my bedroom. My point is, that, if I have a problem with another man, in a man's way, I'd say, ok mate, let's meet up, let's discuss it, like adults, in person. That doesn't mean "I'm going to kick fuck out you, you stupid little turd" it means "Stop hiding, be a man, stand up, be accountable" and offer to do the same. But no, that wasn't to happen.

So then another occurance yesterday, after Lee and I had discussed maybe just ignoring them, that I received an email from, indirectly, the top dawgs of the programme saying "look, thanks, we appreciate the publicity, and the flack you took, but, basically, can you stop now?" Looks like the smokescreen of real spoilers was a ruse to send a stinger to find out where the unofficial ones where coming from. Most that would be Paul McGann (the stinger, not the leak) and, with his permission, McGanngate was set up. I kinda knew, mostly, eventually, cos I never stopped digging, and my phone call at the weekend and email yesterday confirmed that. Pity, it would have been a great story. Now it's a great story for another reason.

So, by request of the the Powers That Be, I'm stepping back from the Spoiler Business. Make no mistake that I do that due to respect for them and the programme. If every one of my spoilers turns out to be a lie, then, you know what? I'm glad. Cos you know what it's done? It's deflected the spies away from the actual business of making this fantastic programme, it's kept the real secrets secret, and that's a good thing. Isn't it?

I do however have one last piece of very, very interesting news, and this is uniquely for my blog. The guys at OG who know me will read this, and those are the guys it is for. It's not, as we say in Scotland, for the bawbags to comment on. So, after a little i dotting and t crossing, I'll have this final - for now - bombshell with you before the day is out.

Happy Times and Places

Eddie

Is Tom Baker REALLY Coming Back?

Now this is one of those fascinating things. This is when speculation joins expectation. See, the people in charge of Doctor Who are fans too, to a man, so what we say "wouldn't that be cool?", so, on the whole, do they. Of course, there is a difference between coollness and fanwank (CR Craig Hinton, the best fan in the world!), but sometimes, like an eclipse, they spectacularly collide. Daleks v Cybermen anyone? {{{you-are-bet-ter-at-dyyyyying}}} Genius!

Now, with reference to my Nightshade stuff, it seems that the OG guys have picked up on something I deliberately left out - like I said, there have got to be some surprises left - but it looks like the cat is out of the bag. An elderly star of a former telefantasty programme? Professor Nightshade could very well be played by former, my Doctor, Sir Thomas Of Baker. That's Tom Baker. In Doctor Who. Again. With David Tennant. Midseason viewing booster. Reunited with Annabelle Reid from Monarch of the Glen . Aw yes. Molto bene!

Now, nothing is confirmed, nothing is agreed, and nothing is certain, but, if, with a fair wind and some good karma, all goes to plan, I think Nightshade, if made, could become the all time all best ever Doctor Who adventure.

Scuse me, whilst I wipe my chair.

Series 5 Update

League of Gentleman star and Doctor Who writer Mark Gatiss has been asked to collaborate in an adaptation of his novel Nightshade for the fifth series of Doctor Who, which begins filming next year. Gatiss has written two original Doctor Who stories for the revived television series, as we all probably know - The Unquiet Dead and The Idiots Lantern - and appeared as the titular Professor Lazarus in the series 3 episode The Lazarus Experiment, by River City creator Stephen Greenhorn.

Nightshade, is, in my opinion, a wonderful story, about an evil invading a lonely village, and the power of nostalgia, focussing on the former star of a tele fantasy programme, called, of course, Nightshade, who is drawn into events where he meets the Doctor. It's proper, old school, Doctor Who. There's a link to the ebook here

It's well worth a look at.

Series 5 looks to be shaping up slightly differently to the previous ones, with more two parters. It's understood the Moff wants to have a bias towards those. So far, we know:

1. The Daleks are likely to open in a two parter, however, the Moff is understood to be resisting this
2. Nightshade could be adapted into a two part adventure, scripted by its author, Mark Gatiss
3. The Ice Warriors could return in an episode provisionally entitled The Faces In The Dust
4. The Zygons will be revealed as the big bads, in a Doctor-lite episode 11 and the two part series finale
5. The new companion could be a non contemporary Scot, played by a newcomer (see below)

I really like the sound of this new series, and hope all this actually comes to pass.

Who's The Doctor's New Friend?

The front runner for the role of the new companion in Doctor Who is Scottish actress Annabelle Reid. She has had, like Freema Ageyman, limited exposure on British Television in series such as Monarch of the Glen, Taggart, Dream Team and Rab C Nesbitt. She has though had extensive theatre work, primarily Shakespearean in Twelfth Night and Henry VIII.

It is thought that she may be introduced at the end of the Specials, and is to be a "non contemporary companion", most likely one from the past, and is probably called Lucy.

Of course, this, like every other piece of news right now, open to change and confirmation, but I thought you guys might like to know.

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

The Moff Masterplan

It looks like the Moff Masterplan is out there... well, not entirely. What get's to me is that there is a culture of people going "oooooooh heads will role for this...". This is nonsense. These are industry secrets - just not 100% enough to send out a press release, but EVERYONE knows. Why do fanboys constantly think there's a huge conspiracy about storylines and casting? There ain't. If it looks like there is, we're being played. Fake regeneration anyone?

So it looks like Moff is opening with a two parter. Radical departure. Well, not really. Rumour has it the BBC want it to feature the Daleks - Stevens not so sure - but, I mean, Daleks, Doctor Who, Moffat... it's just far too juicey, isn't it? There won't be the old "Bad Wolf/Saxon/Torchwood" thing going on in series 5, but there will be a linking theme. It's a corker. I'm saying nowt. However, in RTD stylee, the words "zygon", "coattails" and "all the time..." feature in it. Squee. Yeah, I said "Zygon". It's pretty much 100% that these are the guys who are the big bad for the series. And more insiduous than every before. Think what they can do, what they tried to do in Terror of the Zygons! An Invasion of the Bodysnatchers feel we could be getting. Suits Moffat's slightly darker approach. And, apparently, there is a shock when it turns out there's a Zygon in every episode! Squee.

New companion time has come again, or will soon, and I hear the net has been cast for a Welsh, Irish or Scottish actress to play a non contemporary assistant. I like this idea. Considering the Moff and DT are Scots, I wouldn't bet against that being the case here. A latter day Jamie in an actual frock this time. And it ties in with Terror of the Zygons too.

Special wise the Patrick Stewart rumour mill rolls on. Is he Omega? Rassilon? Rosemary the telephone operator? Henry, the mild mannered janitor? :) Well, I know, and I'm not saying. But suffice to say, if Patrick does not accept the role, then it won't be recast, that's how much they want him. Oh yes.

So the plan is, as far as I know... fewer old enemies in series 5 - however Ice Warriors and Zygons are very old school, and the Daleks debatable... especially if the Moff has his way... opening on a two parter, another half way through the season, provisionally entitled The Faces In The Dust, Doctor-lite leading into the big two part ending. Not so far off the mark. We'll have more planets, less soap, and, I hear, more normal things turning into monsters. Oooo. Very Moffat. Genius.

I for one think Doctor Who is about to hit a Golden Age.

Whatever Happened To Kids TV?

I found myself at the mercy of a five year old and a remote control the other day. Kids TV! Eeek. Now, I'm not aversed to kids TV, far from it... I'll watch Art Attack with the best of them, but what the hell has happened to the rest of it? I mean, cartoons have become so edited and quickfire - there's a thing called Planet Sketch - jesus christ! - and the voices are screechy and irritating... how I long for the dulset tones of Mel Blanc! Or the calming narration of Derek Griffiths! Even the playful vocals of Brian Cant! But now its all MTV and ratatattat! It flashes in front of your eyes like a strobe like - thank god I'm not an epileptic! And it's loud! So, so loud... What's happened to the glorious meanderings of Bagpuss, or even the frantic adventures of Dangermouse or, imagine it, Batfink!

And don't get me started on Grange Hill... actually, too late. OK, I'm of the generation that absolutely associated with Tucker Jenkins. I was Tucker! And I'd race home to catch his escapades at that famous school. Mrs McClusky, Mr Bronson, all those guys. I always though Fay was hot, but then when I got older, I knew it was Tricia... and since I was the same age, it isn't being a paedo! The thing about though, is that it was real. It was condensed, of course, but the people were real enough to care about. Firm but fair headmistress, evil Maths teacher, tough PE teacher... we had those guys at school. Everyone knew a Tucker or an Alan or a Benny. Now though? It's like Grange Hill putting on a stage play of Grange Hill. Drama school children shouting their lines and standing like Bonnie Langford. It suffers from - gasp - Time and the Rani Syndrome!

Phil Redmond was known for taking the bizarre and making it normal - Brookside, take a bow - but when the bizarre remains bizarre, children won't watch it, cos they look at the people in it and go "Wanker.". After Tucker came Zammo and Rolaaaaaand and all those guys, and that made sense.. they were "the year below me", but they were still real kids. Now though, it's too shiny, and too staged, and has lost its way. The thing is, with a contemporary of it, The Sarah Jane Adventures, we know what we're getting, we know it's going to be fantastical, so we accept it, with Grange Hill, the kids have just come home from school and they go, "What? Where's that? Where're the single mums and the hoodies and the alcoholic teachers?" and then they go "Wankers." and switch over to Deal or No Deal. Or go online. Or go out and drink cider and a Bacardi Breezer whilst crafting a fly snout.

What Grange Hill needs is a dose of realism, not more fantasy. It needs not to talk down to children, but treat them like adults. But not treat them like adults treating children like adults, cos that comes across as partronising. What they need to do is to make Eastenders, in a school, and call it Grange Hill. Of course you cut back on some of the more unsavoury aspects, but not them all. You go, pardon the phrase, old school. The acting and production may be better, but in real life people don't act, and there's no production, and kids know this. They don't know how they know, but they do.

So goodbye, Grange Hill. I enjoyed my time in your classes better than my own. And my class mates of Tucker, Alan, Benny, Tricia and the gang, great time. Mind old Ronson? What a laugh!

Maybe, in 16 years, RTD could bring it back. You never know.

This Bloody McGann Thing

So, it seems that the great bastion of integrity known as The Sun has run an article about Paul McGann returning as the Doctor in the Specials coming up next year. Ok, I thought, let's see where this came from, because, to be frank, if it was true, I would have been told. Turns out it came from OG, or TDWF or whatever it's called this week. I love it there, I really do, it's - usually - full of intelligent, well adjusted, and verbose people talking a lot of sense about the series we all love. So we found out where this story originated. Here! Turns out theres a Spoiler King called The Doctors Trainers - nice guy, hardly ever wrong, apparently, and this is why he has a massive following of guys and gals who hang on his every word. Fair enough, I thought, I'll investigate. So what do I do... well... I know Upperboat - we KNOW I know Upperboat, I'll ask there. I'm told, nope bollocks. That's usually good enough for me, but, well, this is a huge story, I mean the Paul McGann returning, to the fold... blow all the he's not canon and the Doctor's not half human guys out the water!... so I contact the press guys, again, I'm told nope, not true... then the publicists, my pal there, she says, nope, and here's a statement... fair enough I thought, but, as a belt and braces kind of guy, I thought, I know, if you wana know the time, ask a Time Lord... so I contact Paul's agent, they say "it's not true, but since it's you, it's ok to give Paul a buzz and ask..." so I text him. He calls back. Amiable, funny, sarcastic, a perfect gent. "Yeah, I heard that," he says, then goes on to deny it. Not that he wouldn't, just that he isn't. We talk about other things, football mainly, then we say out goodbyes.

Now, that's enough surely? What else could I ask? Where else could I go? I know! The Doctor, the actual Doctor! Davvvviiiiid? "When? Where? Next year? Have they changed it? I didn't know that... they haven't? Oh.... I like Paul too, that'd've been fun..."

No one knew, not a soul... not the leading man, the man in question, the writers, the publicists, no one. Then Neill Gorton comes out and mentions it too. A little ironic quip about him being the only person in Upperboat who doesn't know. You and me both Neill. So it's pretty cut and dried, you'd think, eh? The Cult of the Trainer has been given the bum steer of Harriet Jones in a Dalek Supreme proportion... so surely when I post all this, it will slowly go away?

You'd think, eh?

What happened amazed me... properly amazed me.

What actually happened was The Cult of Trainer turned into the Lalala Our Fingers Are In Our Ears And We Can't Hear You brigade. Incredible.

These are the guys who reinterprate actual facts to fit their own continuity. Well, they argue, just cos they say it isn't, doesn't mean it won't... just cos it's not happening in the specials, doesn't mean it can't.. everyone's a liar, everyone's in a huge big conspiracy - including me, Sheringham, Lee... all the guys who know what's actually happening... lalala.. we're not listening... even the voice of two Doctors' (three actually, I discussed it with Sylvester, a friend of Paul's), isn't enough for the conspiracy people. And all because RTD lied about the Master...

Now, onto a topic of a related nature. Our sad little friend Angry Who Fan - the man so fierce he moderates his comments page - decided to have a rant about the discussion on OG, calling it "tired" and describing me as, what was it... oh that's right, a "cunt" and then suggestion I was an Upperboat Stooge and the Cigarette Smoking Man. Now, considering he stole the initial X File analogy from me, it seems a bit rich. Particularly from a man who's only real contact with Upperboat is spelling it incorrectly in a sad little blog. As for my sex life, which was alluded to as well, I have to inform him, if he's interested that sex happens between two people, not one hand in front of a PC. Even with real life naked women. Imagine that.